God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I take back everything I said about communal showers
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
