Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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