Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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