i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
