So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
