Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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