theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
