Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
