Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you traded sex for a burrito?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
