I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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