I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
