Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
