Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
