I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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