YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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