He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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