Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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