I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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