Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
