I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
