This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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