Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
