Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
