I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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