You're so nebulous sometimes
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
