If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
