dude i'm inner monologue high
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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