I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
