Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
