Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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