I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
