im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
