Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
