Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
