He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
