So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
