I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
