i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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