I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
