just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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