dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Who died my cat blue again?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
