Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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