is your mom at the bar?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
