I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Come on in and take your pants off
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