Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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