He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
