Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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