my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
