Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
