Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm jealous of your bromance
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
