can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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