Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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